Amy’s Rules for Driving

Follow them or I will zap you with my bad-driver zapping implement ™

1. The speed limit is not something to be approached with fear – that is the speed at which it is safe to drive. So, if the sign says that the limit is 35, and you’re driving 25, you are bad (unless, of course, it’s blizzarding or there is a traffic jam).

2. Merging is really not that hard. Have you ever seen a zipper?

first a car on the left, then a car on the right. If you are on the approach/acceleration lane of a freeway and there is traffic, turn on your blinker and move into traffic (do not go almost to the end of the lane and then stop). Conversely, if you are on the freeway and there is traffic entering the freeway, adjust your speed to let one car in front of you. Do not stop to let the cars in. You are on the fucking freeway. You do not stop unless there are (human) body parts.

3. A four-way stop means that you stop and let anyone who stopped before you go. Not anyone who shows up while you’re there.

4. A two-way stop means you only have to stop if you actually have the stop sign. It is not necessary to stop to wave me through the intersection if I’m walking. The person coming from the other direction who also doesn’t have a stop sign might actually be following the rules and would run right over me. Just go. If you are, in fact, traveling the speed limit you will not delay my walk across the street by that much.

5. I just feel a need to reiterate the speed limit thing. I would not encourage you to drive above the speed limit if that makes you uncomfortable (lord knows I’m no speed demon), but if you could maybe just get there. Seriously. You are driving a fucking Porsche and if you can’t get to 35 then you don’t deserve the Porsche and should give it to me.

6. When you are driving, and there is a white dashed line separating two lanes, that means that there can be a car in each lane. If a car comes up on your left and attempts to pass you (probably because you are driving 25 in a 35), they are not trying to kill you. Nor will letting them drive cause a rift in the space-time continuum. They are just following the rules of the road (which are posted: slow traffic stay right) and allowing more cars to travel quickly and efficiently. Do not straddle the lanes and block the traffic. Then you are just a giant, slow asshat. Just because you have a Hummer does not make you the boss of the road.

7. Changing lanes to get around slow-moving traffic is a time honored tradition. However, when you change lanes to speed around a traffic jam, and then your lane is an exit lane, but you don’t want to exit; stopping in that lane and waiting for the traffic you just sped around to let you in (in the process blocking the people who actually want to exit) is mean and unnecessary. Traffic sucks, but now you just made it worse. And I’m not impressed with your WWJD bumper sticker. I’m pretty sure he’d be taking public transportation or riding his bicycle, not waving with his middle finger at all the people he just pissed off.

8. The fast lane was created for a reason. On a freeway, there are multiple lanes. Slower traffic (such as big trucks and 85-year-old Cadillac drivers) stay to the right. Faster traffic (like me) goes in the middle lanes. Fastest traffic is to the left. It’s stupid and dangerous to get into the left lane for no reason (such as the absence of an upcoming left-hand exit) and then drive 20 mph slower than the rest of the cars in that lane.

9. Your horn exists for a reason. To honk at asshats who have broken one of these rules. Honking at people who are not running over pedestrians is kind of rude. If they are in front of you and hit someone, that will take even longer than just waiting for the person to cross the road. So – be a little patient, but also don’t be afraid to honk if someone is egregiously violating common sense and road decency.

10. Seriously? 25 in a 35? I hope you rot in hell.

I hope that was educational. If not, you may bite me. (What? Road rage? Not me!)

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