BOOBS!

Rated “G” for gynecological details. You have been warned.

So….yesterday I went to my doc for my annual check-up. I also had a few issues to discuss with her. I haven’t had a regular doc since moving to PDX, and have just been seeing whoever Kaiser sticks me with. BUT, I loved yesterday’s NP and think I will stick with her.

I told her how unhappy I was with my current bcp situation – I take them continuously to try to stave off the hell that is a period with endometriosis, BUT, I have menstruated the last THREE MONTHS IN A ROW. The only person who might feel worse about that than I do is the architect. But, he won’t admit to it (because he is a wonderful man who has learned when it’s okay to be critical and when criticism will cause me to lose my shit and cry).

So, we switched pills, and the word “Lupron” was thrown around, as were the words “over my dead body.” We’ll see how these work, and then there are other options, I think, that won’t make me cry every time I have an emotion (I’ve got your mood swings right here). There was another issue that was mentioned, but I left feeling that it wouldn’t be resolved anytime soon.

However, when I got back to work yesterday, I had an email that said, “your health record has been updated.” So I went on-line to my health record, and sure enough there was a new existing condition. Hypertrophy of the breast. I may have freaked out a little. She didn’t say anything odd when doing the exam. What is this strange-sounding disease? Help!

Naturally, I turned to Dr. Google for help. Dr. Google giggled disrespectfully and told me that all that meant was that I had big boobies.

I have lost a lot of weight in the last few years, but instead of cooperating and becoming smaller like other people complain about, they have, in fact, increased in size. I know that some people regard that as a positive thing. But, since I am the person who actually has to cart them around, I think my opinion counts for a little bit more, and I am not impressed. When I was much heavier, it was no problem to support them, but now that I am a smaller person, they have passed from simply large to gargantuan. My back hurts, it hurts to run, and they make it nearly impossible to buy shirts that both button AND fit (and don’t even get me started on dresses….I seem to remember this problem from when I was in high school, and they’re EVEN BIGGER NOW)!

So, I asked about the reduction, and I passed the simple requirements test (BMI under 30, breasts are gigantic), and am now waiting for the call from the plastic surgeons. I’m hoping for new boobs by summer. That has been my super-secret reward for getting to my goal weight, and since I’m planning on getting to goal by the end of January or so, it seems like it’s all good timing.

So – cI am going to be slightly less boob-tacular in the coming months. Perhaps I will put together a brief slideshow for those of you about to go into mourning (and you know who you are). I just want to buy a sports bra in green. Or purple. Or anything but black, white, beige or pastel. Maybe there will be patterns! Oooh…and then I can buy bras that are pretty and don’t look like 100 yds of fabric were involved. Maybe a true demi-cup bra! So many possibilities.

Happy TuesBoobsDay.

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