Three (3) Things Thursday – Olympic Edition

Hi! I totally went away for a week again, didn’t I?  Oops!  I was pretty busy with work, and baby-raising, and running, and having my phone die for no good reason and now I am stuck with a slightly less smart (read: dumb as a post) phone and I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I need my apps!)

Ahem.

ANYHOO!

Three things that I will somehow relate to the Olympics, mostly to irritate my good friend Brian. (I am not a nice person, am I?)

1. My baby boy started rolling over last week. He rolled over 6 times on Wednesday and 2 times each on Thursday & Friday. All for the nanny. We posited that on the weekend, when I saw him in the middle of the day & he was well-rested, he would roll over for me. HE DID NOT. And then, on Monday? He rolled over for the nanny again. At this point, I was becoming a conspiracy theorist. Was she lying? (Why would she lie?) Did he just like her better? WHAT? And then, Monday evening he rolled over for us, and now does so about once a day. VICTORY! I am just trying to figure out what sport this indicates that he will excel at, so I can get him in training now. I have high hopes for his chances at gold medaling in the 2032 summer games. (I am working on supplementing the breast milk with awesomesauce, as suggested by Cat, who is herself 100% pure awesomesauce.)

 

2. Although it seems unlikely that, at my upcoming triathlon, I will prove that being pregnant for approximately 2.5 years in any way made me a world-class athlete, thus resulting in endorsements and a chance to train and compete in the 2016 games, I am getting excited for my first “race” post baby. I am doing an open water swim tonight (in a river! even scarier than a pond!), and am planning on eventually riding my bike. Also – this weekend, I will be running three whole miles in! a! row! The likes of which I haven’t done for quite some time. I hope I don’t die. That would really ruin my Olympic dreams.

 

3. I am having some fairly severe anxiety issues lately. My therapist diagnosed me with postpartum anxiety disorder – the lesser known cousin of ppd. It should start to dissipate in the next couple of months as my hormones re-balance, and in the meantime, when I find myself spiraling into a tunnel of anxiety, I just need to remind myself that this is NOT me. It’s weird. My anxiety is primarily taking in the form of constant worrying about not being good enough – not just at mothering (but go ahead & ask me how I feel I’m doing at the whole pumping thing…if you want to hear about my spiral of self doubt & recriminations), but at just about everything. I have always pushed myself pretty hard & held myself up to a very high standard, but this is approaching ridiculosity. In fact, I’d say that my anxiety is approaching olympic proportions. (I knew I could work that in somehow.) I am trying to find a way to interrupt my own vicious cycle of worry/fear/doubt/etc. and to stop being so obnoxious by constantly talking about my own inadequacies (and there goes the negative self-talk again – see what I mean?).

I thought about not sharing this, but just in case anyone else is feeling this way – just want to let you know that you’re not alone.

mom – chill out & suck your fingers! you’ll feel better in no time.

 

 

4 responses to “Three (3) Things Thursday – Olympic Edition

  1. Thbbppt.

    After wading through more gratuitous mentions of the Olympics than I thought possible (ok, that may be a bit of hyperbole there), I was struck by this remark:

    My anxiety is primarily taking in the form of constant worrying about not being good enough – not just at mothering (but go ahead & ask me how I feel I’m doing at the whole pumping thing…if you want to hear about my spiral of self doubt & recriminations), but at just about everything. [emphasis added]

    First, before I go any further, I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that you’re a terrific mum. Sure, there’ll be stumbles along the way, but this is an entirely new endeavor that you’re undertaking so a bit of self-doubt comes with the territory. Not to mention all the body chemistry being all out-of-whack for a bit. When you start feeling anxious about being a good mum, just think, “Gosh, I’m not like that horrid S. Palin, so my kid will automatically be SO MUCH BETTER than any of her brood of gorgons.”

    Anyway, now that I’ve said that I’ll turn back to what leapt out at me in your post (beside the Olympics references): namely the feelings of inadequacy that you’re experiencing owing to the difficult you’re experiencing with pumping. It seems to me that you’ve unintentionally internalized some of the intense bullshit that motherhood as accumulated in recent years. There’ve been a number of articles on the subject (yes, I read articles about motherhood. Who knows? Some day I may decide that I want to be a mum!) and it seems that among our set, motherhood has become something of a Cold War-esque arms race to prove that one is a good mum. It’s not enough for you to cook wholesome meals for your children, you must also weave the cloth to make their nappies/clothes/blankets and sew the items yourself. It’s not enough that you’re breastfeeding, you must also pump an absurd amount of milk daily without any effort or difficulty in order to be a good mum. Otherwise, you’re clearly not fit for it. And so forth. Naturally, this is all performance anxiety inducing and unhealthy.

    Anyway, I could sit and contemplate the whys and wherefores of this toxic soup, but really what I want to say is this: You’re an exceptional person, the Architect is an exceptional person, and you’re both turning into exceptional parents. Don’t let cultural/social baggage get in the way of things!

    xoxo

  2. Congrats on the tri training plan! I think it’s very cool- I underestimated the power of endorphins until I spent 6 weeks not running. Our brains are used to all that!
    Sorry to hear about your anxiety. I had it too after Hewitt was born. If you ever want to chat about it just let me know. I tried some meditation type exercises at the rec of a psychiatrist I saw. The book she recommended was ‘calming your anxious mind’. Not normally my cup of tea but it helped me. I still do some of the meditations if I have trouble sleeping. Sounds like you are doing all the right things and will be feeling better soon. Those darned hormones, right?!

  3. Yea i’m really glad you shared about the anxiety. This happens to lots of new parents and has nothing specifically to do with being a new parent. I had a really tough time with anxiety the first few years too. It got really bad when we moved to Raleigh, just uprooting my entire family to move to another state and how would that affect the kids, and was I good enough to work in this new market (considerably more competetive)….. it never seemed to end.

  4. A: I love you
    B: you need to follow @ABelleReve on twitter, she blogs about PPAD, and she’s amazing. http://www.abellereve.com she’s incredible.