HAPPINESS NOW (dammit)

I was going to do chub day week 21, but find that it is boring.  I am going to start doing monthly updates instead. It’s not like I will stop posting pics of the Bean or anything, but I can’t imagine doing weekly updates forever. Instead, I find myself wanting to talk about other things (!). Mostly my new happiness project. As I may have mentioned, I have been having some anxiety. And by some, I mean “there are days that leaving the house is difficult.”

I am A-OK during the week when I have things to do (like work). When I am busy, I can stay moderately relaxed (or as relaxed as it is possible to stay considering the large amounts of caffeine I have been consuming lately).

But – in the evenings and weekends, it’s hard. I don’t want to do anything. Even the adorable face of my son (and it is adorable) is not always enough to rouse me out of my funk.

 

I mostly want to stay in bed all day and sleep. It’s not that I’m super sleep deprived. I get 6 hours most nights. (In a row, even.) That is the best I’ve slept for over a year now! Although this morning, I did get up at 4 am. Someone was hungry a bit early.

So – I’ve been avoiding. Phone calls. Emails. Outings. Exercise. Friends.

I am trying to make plans now & stick to them, because I know that doing something – anything – is the key to maintaining some kind of mental & emotional balance that will allow me to take care of myself, my son, and my husband.

I am also trying to make time for exercise, even when it seems impossible. I know myself well enough to know that any plans of “Oh, I’ll totally exercise this evening” are a bunch of hooey. If I am not done exercising by 10 AM, the chances that it will happen at all start falling exponentially – get to 6 pm (when I’m home & have fed the Bean), and the chances are close to 0% that I can motivate myself to do something.

So – I am attempting to stop misleading myself.

Sunday morning, after feeding Alvie at 5, I didn’t go back to bed. Instead, I had some coffee, read until it was light enough to see, and then went for a run – all before anyone else was awake. And then Sunday was a decent day.

This morning, Mr. Bean woke up at 4. That is about an hour earlier than we usually get up. So, when he was done with pre-breakfast, I debated. Go back to bed for another 45 minutes (of which 20 would be attempting to fall asleep) or stay up and do…something. I chose the something. I put on my swimsuit, had some coffee, and read for a bit (the pool doesn’t open until 6). I got only 1200 yds in this morning, but that is 1200 more than I would’ve done today if I’d gone back to bed.

And now – I am so tired! But also, happy that I got my goal of 30+ minutes/day in. I am trying to get 10K+ steps/day, but have been only consistently getting about 5200.

So – how does this relate to my happiness project? I am pretty sure that my main issue is that I am not trying hard enough. Instead of letting the anxiety (and its associates depression & OCD) take over, I am going to BE AGGRESSIVELY HAPPY. I am going to have metrics and charts and gold mother-effing stars of happiness. I am going to make plans (but not too many) and KEEP them. (In no way does this reinforce the idea that my OCD is coming to the forefront.)

So…aggressive happiness goals for Sept –

  1. 30 minutes of movement by 7 am every morning.
  2. One social engagement/week.
  3. In bed by 9:30/lights out by 10 every night.

 

 

5 responses to “HAPPINESS NOW (dammit)

  1. Great post, Amy. As and on and off sufferer of anxiety my whole life, I have to say the only thing that eventually drives me out of the funk and into the light is forcing myself to follow through with things, particularly those things that make me a bit uncomfortable. Yes, it can be excruciating in the the doing, but almost every time I felt better afterward. I’m around for a walk whenever!

  2. I experienced this for a while too, had a lot of anxiety and stress about going anywhere, especially when I had to bring the baby with me. and I agree that making a commitment to just get out of the house made a huge difference. I think it also helps that K is older and her behavior and such is more predictable now.

    And I got bored with baby updates at 4 months, so you beat me!

  3. it is amazing at how much better you feel after a workout, even if it is just to make you dead tired.

  4. Amy, I’m so sorry that you are suffering. I wish that I could give you a hug. You have a ridiculously adorable baby, you are taking great care of him ( he looks like he is full of chub and happiness!) and you are a very funny and good person ( we met maybe 3 years ago at a running blogger happy hour?). You will no doubt feel good again. It’s very brave of you to share all of this on your blog. Lots of people would never admit it, but in doing so you are probably helping other women who are in the same boat.

  5. Sorry you are feeling down. Have you spoken to your midwife about PPD? Anxiety and not wanting to leave the house are totally normal, but I hope you have someone to talk to about your feelings besides the interweb. Also know that you may never be back to the same workout schedule as you were before Alvie. Hang in there!!!