Who Needs Sleep?

I do! I do! For once, this won’t be about my periodic insomnia. I’ve actually been doing pretty well lately – logging 6-7 hours most nights. I feel good about that.

This, instead, is a story that will make you laugh, make you cry, and make you wish you had mad skillz like mine. (You can tell I’m serious, because I spelled ‘skills’ with a ‘z.’)

Background:

Alvie Bean’s bedroom is on the southwestish corner of our house. It does not cool down quickly in that room. Also, that kid runs hot anyway. Other hot things? Your mom*. And this summer in Portland.  So, we bought a window AC unit for Bean this summer. It’s lovely.

Our bedroom is on the east side of the house. In the evening, we just put a large box fan in the window and by bedtime, our bedroom is a cool paradise.

Last night, I went to bed (as I do) and found that the fan had not been properly placed in our window. Our room was hot. I tried to go to sleep anyway, but I was all sweaty and gross.

I had a bright idea! I would go sleep in Bean’s room. He has a full-sized bed and he is only 28 months old. There is plenty of room in that bed for a toddler and his short mama, right?

Following is a professionally illustrated series on how that went.

Time: 10:50 pm.

When I went into Bean's room, this was the situation. Plenty of room for me.

When I went into Bean’s room, this was the situation. Plenty of room for me.

 

Here I am, all comfy in the bed. I'm not sure why I'm bald. Lack of drawing skills, possibly.

Here I am, all comfy in the bed. I’m not sure why I’m bald. Lack of drawing skills, possibly.

 

Within two minutes, Bean had migrated downwards and put his stinky feet on me.

Within two minutes, Bean had migrated downwards and put his stinky feet on me.

 

I moved up. Much more comfy now, anyway. I can stretch out. Room for all!

I moved up. Much more comfy now, anyway. I can stretch out. Room for all!

 

Turns out that I'm a pillow. Also, Alvie's head weights eleventy million pounds. He actually gave me two black eyes Monday night with an unfortunately placed head-butt.

Turns out that I’m a pillow. Also, Alvie’s head weights eleventy million pounds. He actually gave me two black eyes Monday night with an unfortunately placed head-butt.

 

I'll just scootch over here. Now the sweaty, heavy head isn't touching me.

I’ll just scootch over here. Now the sweaty, heavy head isn’t touching me.

 

Ha, ha! You thought stinky feet on your legs was nasty. I've got something even better! Smell these suckers! (Or is it, "smell these, sucker"?)

Ha, ha! You thought stinky feet on your legs was nasty. I’ve got something even better! Smell these suckers! (Or is it, “smell these, sucker”?)

I gave up and went back to my slightly-less-stifling room.

Time: 11:25 pm.

This morning when I went in to wake up Mr. Bean for school, this is how I found him.

Well-played, Bean. You win this round.

Well-played, Bean. You win this round.

 

*apologies for the ineptitude of my ‘your mom’ joke. My strengths are in the visual arts. Obviously.

One response to “Who Needs Sleep?

  1. bahahahahahah oh wow. that’s fantastic. The joys of parenting, I guess. Sometimes when we have enough people stay in our house one of the kids has to sleep with us, and one of us always ends up getting kicked or squashed continuously. It’s not pretty, I feel your pain.

    and I like the Your Mom joke.