Tag Archives: balance

Three Things Thursday: Too tired for anything but .gifs (hard g, duh)

1. You guys. I am so tired today. I didn’t stay up late last night and I stayed in bed longer today. Just tired.

WHHHHYYYY am I so sleepy?

How I felt 30 minutes ago

Current status

 

2. I’m still struggling to find balance in my new routine. I want to fit in exercise, writing, editing, spending time with the beer guy and the Bean, and keeping the house in the kind of shape that I wouldn’t be embarrassed if someone randomly dropped by. So far I am succeeding in doing exactly zero of those things.

Desired state of balance

Acceptable state of balance (still a little wobbly)

Current situation

 

3. It’s all a little crazy-making. Surprisingly, though, not the crazy making of having all the time in the world to write, edit, keep house, exercise, and spend time with my loved ones. I have some mild anxiety about my book schedule, but it’s not as all-consuming as the anxiety over the winter months was. (Partially because of the sun and partially because of the paycheck.) But still…

Me: 85% of the time

Legit question

Do not try to make me feel better this way…maybe just send a martini and a time machine.

 

Thank you, Harry! (Although, I’m a Ravenclaw…)

Now that I’ve eased you back in gently (twss)

It’s time for everyone’s favourite game: NAVEL GAZING!

15753382034_9698126459_o

Not nearly as exciting as naval gazing

The drugs I’ve been taking since early September are working great. My kid is healthy again. The architect is super. I have wonderful new people in my life that I didn’t have at this time last year.

There’s really only one problem.

Balance.

Still one misstep from tipping over.

Still one misstep from tipping over.

I still have none and what’s suffering now are two things.

Thing the first: the health stuff – the eating well and exercising. I have a 10K in 2 and a half weeks. I haven’t run in almost a month. So that’s going to go well. I have a half marathon in just over 3 months. One that I’m traveling for. I may be walking it. That’s a totally legitimate way to go 13 miles.

This used to be my favorite thing...

This used to be my favorite thing…

I miss running in a totally abstract way. I miss wanting to run and enjoying running, but I don’t actually miss running at all. I can’t even talk myself onto the trails, and I love(d) trail running.

I need more time or more energy or more hours in the day.

Every meme that says I have the same number of hours as Beyonce can bite me. Does Beyonce spend 2 hours/day commuting on public transporation? I doubt it. Also, she has a staff.

Every meme that says I have the same number of hours as Beyonce can bite me. Does Beyonce spend 2 hours/day commuting on public transportation? I doubt it. Also, she has a staff.

Thing the second: I kinda want to spend less hours commuting to work and being at work and working. I also want to continue to get paid because I like (well, like is such a strong word) paying my car payments and student loan payments and mortgage payments and eating. (I do like eating. That is completely sincere.)

The desire to work less seems to be at direct odds with the desire to keep receiving my paycheck. I need some kind of magic. Or to just move my office to the basement with my stapler and write all day because the money keeps coming and everything thinks I’ve been fired.

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This session of navel gazing is brought to you by 5 hours of sleep/night (sleeping like a pro!) + writing every morning at 5 + a full-time job with a commute + family, both the architect & Bean and the wider reaching family…

Anyone have some advice on how to make the 3.5 year old start running with me? And keeping up? And not bitching about his legs being broken two blocks in? (Why isn’t he an athlete yet? Shorty.)

Creative Commons license.

Creative Commons license Attribution-NonCommercial 2.0 Generic

What I really really want is someone to come to my house and look at my stuff and say, “Amy! I can fix this! This is what we’re going to do.” And then that person will organize and rearrange my whole life and help me make and stick to meal plans and call me once a week to yell at me (in an encouraging factor) and everything will work out and I will live happily ever balancing work and writing and exercise and parenting and partnering and eating well.

So, if you are that person, call me!

Seriously.

call me

Image

Transition

The time between things. Switching from one sport to another in a triathlon. Going from laboring to pushing in childbirth. A life pause between two states.

noun

1. movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change:
the transition from adolescence to adulthood.

2. Music.

a passing from one key to another; modulation.
a brief modulation; a modulation used in passing.
a sudden, unprepared modulation.

3. a passage from one scene to another by sound effects, music, etc., as in a television program, theatrical production, or the like.

verb (used without object)

4. to make a transition:

He had difficulty transitioning from enlisted man to officer.

This is where I am right now. It’s midway through the year. Today is my first day at a new job (since I am sans computer, desk chair, office key, or boss [she’s on vacation]) it’s been a very strange first day – more of a transition day than anything else.

It feels kinda fresh and new. I have an entire six months with nary a mark on them yet (and very, very few work meetings on the calendar as of this moment).

So much potential – like a fresh field of snow (it’s so hot in Portland that I’m actually fantasizing about snow) waiting to be peed on for snow angels.

Don’t blink!

 

Things have not gone as anticipated the last 9.5 weeks (wait a minute – I’m beginning to wonder if the time when my health issues started AND my training took a hit are more than merely coincidentally related to me giving 9.5 weeks notice at my old job…hmmmm…).

I may be onto something here

I may be onto something here

 

I’m hopeful that new job (which is, so far, only one job instead of the two I’ve been doing since Novemberish) + new attitude of calm + new fitness priorities for the year + new drugs* = a fantastic second half of 2015.

Not those kinds of drugs

Not those kinds of drugs

 

I’m trying to take a page of the book of moderation (whatever that is) and set smaller, achievable goals that honor my body’s (and my mind’s) need for physical activity while also keeping in mind that my priorities have seriously shifted over the past years and endurance racing is not at the forefront of those priorities right now.

It’s more important to strive for balance and long-term health than push myself, unwillingly, towards arbitrary goals.

So, shiny new 6 months: here’s my pledge to you.

No pledge but to do my best to be a little better most days. Better food and drink choices. A little more movement, even when I’m not feeling it. More patience with the three-year old (this will be the easiest AND hardest as I currently have ~0 patience with him so more wouldn’t be a stretch, but also, he’s three), read more, edit more, write more, and work really hard to get through the entirety of the X-Files.

The wrappers are blueberries and the tampons are named after characters from Octonauts

The wrappers are blueberries and the tampons are named after characters from Octonauts

So – just a bit more, but I’m going to try hard for a general feeling of moreness rather than elaborate spreadsheets tracking the more.

I obviously need this shirt.

The main goal, though, is balance. I don’t do well with balance (my father always said I was a bit unbalanced; then he’d laugh and laugh), but I think that’s the best goal I could make.

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Balance with a heaping side of badassery…that’s the way to live

In which I discover that I am a vampire

Today was my last regular appointment in learning how to stand up straight. Although I have not yet mastered standing up, I have become proficient enough that we moved on to other things – such as the hyperextension in my elbows and lower back. We also talked about overall health issues, etc.

Each week when I’ve been in, my yoga-therapist has taken my pulse. Or at least attempted to take my pulse. I don’t actually really have one. I always knew my pulse was pretty weak, but didn’t realize that in a lot of people, you can feel the pulse by just lightly touching the wrist. Seriously. Did you know that? Are you one of those people?

I am not. My pulse is deep and light. (Actually, last time I went to the doctor for my annual lady bits check-up, the nurse couldn’t even take my blood pressure. Because my blood has no pressure.)

So, in addition to discovering that I am a wee bit odd in the blood pumping department (like that’s the only oddness I have), I also discussed my recent ridiculous craving for red meat. About once a month, I have been seriously, ridiculously, and strongly craving red meat. A lot. And in my head, it doesn’t even necessarily have to be cooked.

I dream about rare steak, and the thought of tiger meat makes my mouth water. The YT suggested that my cravings are probably due to low iron levels at that particular time of the month and that my body just wants blood.

So – no pulse? Check. Craving for blood that cannot be assuaged with a hamburger? Check. Burns in sunlight? I’ll let you know if the sun ever comes out again.

In the meantime, you might want to avoid showing me your neck and start eating a lot of garlic.

Heya….

So – after posting yesterday, I left the house, and then agonized for hours about it. I had just posted a pretty awful photo of myself, and then lots more photos of me, and I was worried that y’all would think I was fishing for compliments or something. Which I wasn’t. 

I haven’t lost as much weight as some people (instead of losing 1/2 of my weight, I only lost about 1/3), but you know, it was a pretty impressive change for me, and I really shouldn’t feel badly about talking about it. How weird are we? I felt bad when I was overweight, and now that I’ve lost weight, I feel bad about talking about it? We are such a weight-conscious society – but so few positive dialogues are started about weight.

I’ve been castigated for being overweight AND for wanting to lose weight.

I’ve been told that I wasn’t trying hard enough to lose AND that I was trying too hard, and that if my body wanted to be thin, I just would be thin.

I’ve been scolded for running – hard on the knees AND told by a trainer that I wasn’t running enough.

 

With all these conflicting messages out there – “thin is healthy!” “love your fat!” “heavier people are healthier” “you can’t be too thin” is it any wonder that there is such a prevalence of body dysmorphia? 

In my mind, I look almost exactly the same now as I did two years ago as I did six years ago. This is what I look like in my head (although less dressed up):

That is about 20 lbs heavier than I am now, and 40 lbs lighter than I was at my highest weight. But that is what I have looked like for the past 10 years or so, at least in my mind’s eye. (When I was 19 & 20, I pretty much believed that I looked like my 16 year old self, but without the velvet choker.)

I don’t think I’ve ever had a terrible body image, although I do like myself a lot more now than I did six years ago – I’m sure some of that has to do with my weight loss, but some of it might be the presence of the architect (who, by the way, I met about 3 weeks after that BEFORE photo I posted yesterday – and he still liked me).

I don’t know….I think that we owe it to ourselves and our friends and your children & grandchildren to be honest about the connection between weight issues (over or under-weight), physical health issues (there are some really unhealthy skinny people and some pretty healthy overweight people), and mental health issues (running keeps me sane in the winter – and I wish I’d had something like that growing up). There is a balance, and each person balances a little differently. The key is to know oneself, right? If you don’t know who you are & what you value, you’ll never achieve the body/spirit health that I think is key to a long & happy life.