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fear

The only thing we have to fear is….plummeting to our deaths.

Jul 22nd, 2011
by gazelle.
10 comments

One of my last Toast speeches was about fear – and getting over it.

The top two search terms that bring people to this blog are arachnophobia and anthropophobia.

This makes me a little sad. I’d rather people found me by looking for awesome shoes, or paranormal romance book reviews (new one coming up on Wednesday! Woo!) or race reports, or cheesemaking (especially cheesemaking).

 

But – back to fear. I used to be relatively fearless. Nothing really scared me. The older I got, the more fearful I became, until there were times (I like to pretend that these are in the past) that the fear was so paralyzing that I couldn’t leave the house. Those times are mostly in the past. I have spent a lot of time in the past couple of years working through my fears and trying to conquer them.

I know I’ve talked about my fear of open water swimming (which was actually the crux of my Toast speech). I now barely even have an elevated heartrate when getting in the water. As long as I take my time, I’m fine. I actually have even really enjoyed my last couple of swims.

I know I’ve also talked about my fear of public speaking.  Obviously, I’ve gotten over this. I just gave my 7th prepared speech for my local Toastmasters, have won a Table Topics contest, am president of my club, and am entering the humorous speech contest next month.

I’ve also mentioned my fear of people & social situations (anthropophobia). This is the one that is the hardest for me. There are times that I can’t go to social events because the thought of doing so gives me mini panic attacks. Fortunately, this is not as bad as it used to be, and as long as the social event is in a setting I’m comfortable in (i.e. not too many strangers packed into small rooms), I usually do okay. I never even have to pre-drink to hang out with my friends anymore. GROWTH!

I’ve talked about my fear of spiders, which is dumb. They are just little bugs that eat other bugs. WHY ARE THEY SO FREAKING CREEPY? No one knows. ACK. Anyways, I am not over this, nor do I particularly work on this one. It doesn’t really affect my ability to live my life, so I’ve decided it’s okay.

I’m afraid of flying (actually, that’s not true. I’m fine with flying. I’m just afraid of plummeting to my death, which seems more likely in an airplane than while walking). I deal with this by drinking in the airport bar. Or doing deep breathing exercises.

But today, I want to talk about another fear I’ve mentioned. This is also related to plummeting to my death. I am afraid of going over high bridges.  Especially long, high bridges. I’ve worked through this fear a LOT, since I live in Portland, city of 1,000,000 bridges (or like 10 if you count all car bridges b/w the St. Johns & the Sellwood). I can drive over the high bridges if I go really fast & close my eyes. (ha! I jest. I go slow and with my eyes open. Less likely to plunge to my death if I watch where I’m going.) I am not afraid of walking or running over said bridges, and have, in fact done so. But biking is even scarier than driving, I think. I once rode over the St. Johns Bridge, and I swear my heart rate was higher for that portion of the ride than any other part – due to fear.

One thing I have never done is ride my bike across the Columbia River. There are only two bridges in the Portland area that cross the river (not counted in my 10 bridges above). They are both Interstate Bridges.

There is the Glenn Jackson (I-205) Bridge:

 

And the I-5 Bridge (apparently this one doesn’t have a fancy name):

I was terrified  of riding over these bridges. Earlier this week, the Ambitious One asked me if I wanted to go on a bike ride with her & Mr. Pi on Friday morning. They are going an insane 84 miles (up to the Bridge of the Gods, which I’m pleased to not ride over). I am not so much up to 84 miles, since my longest one-day total in 2011 is 20 miles, and that was my bike commute on Wednesday, so broken into 2 parts.

I did, however, agree to ride a little ways with them – up to the 205 bridge. And then, I found the route to ride over, back west on the Washington side, and then across the I-5 bridge and home. Up until the minute we got to 205, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. BUT, I did it. It was not as scary as I thought, but it was longer than I’d anticipated.

I got a little lost in Vancouver, but had my phone (with the Google Maps app) and found my way again. Crossing back to Oregon on the I-5 bridge was also a little nerve-wracking, and I got lost on Hayden Island and tried to ride back to Vancouver again, but eventually made it home.

I’m still not fast. I was definitely faster on the first half of the ride when I was with people. The last three miles were brutal. My longest all-in-a-row ride before today was 15 miles, and I doubled that. My legs were wiped out by mile 27. BUT, I did it. And honestly, I think I could do it again.

Fuck, yeah!

 

The Brave Little Toaster

Dec 22nd, 2010
by gazelle.
6 comments

I’m fairly certain I’ve mentioned my absolute dread of public speaking. I often get nauseated, sweaty, and light-headed. I hate it. HATE IT!  (I have done more karaoke in my life than should be legal, but anyone can sing badly in front of strangers when there’s enough gin.)

So. As you know, I joined toastmasters in June to work on this. I gave my first planned speech in August. I was so nervous! I had nightmares the night before about people booing me & throwing rotten tomatoes (it was kind of like that scene from the Princess Bride). The speech went well. I am funny, y’all (thanks for the spelling help Melissa!). AND, I didn’t even need any liquid courage (unlike with karaoke).

ANYWAYS. I kept at it. I did the impromptu Table Topics speeches. I filled a number of roles at meetings. And then, yesterday, I did speech #2. And I wasn’t (that) nervous. I had an outline that I’d been thinking about for a few weeks, and then I wrote up the text of the speech a couple of days before. I practiced a few dozen times (made the architect listen to me more than he wanted to, I suspect). And you know what?

It went well. (Again, I am amusing.)

And even more?

I liked it. I like telling stories (big shock, right?). This is so much better than high school speech class, which, after all, sucks (am I right?).

I am looking forward to my third speech. Now – I will fully admit that part of this is the desire to finish all ten speeches and get a certificate (I am very gold-star oriented) that says I am a competent communicator. But part of it that I actually enjoy entertaining people.

I know this is weird, but I am proud of me. A year ago, I would’ve said that public speaking was right up there in my top five fears (along with flying and being eaten by mutant garden spiders). I faced that fear. And I conquered it. And now, I’m going to gather my ragtag band of old appliances & go to the city! Or, perhaps schedule speech #3 and start thinking about entering a Toast contest. Whichever seems to make more sense at the time.

Fear, Itself

Aug 16th, 2010
by gazelle.
2 comments

Tomorrow is my first toastmaster speech.

I have been preparing for it by pretending it won’t happen.

This may not have been the wisest preparation tactic.

If you don’t hear from me sometime tomorrow afternoon, it’s safe to assume that I somehow died of that strange combination of fear and humiliation.

4.4

Toasted

Jun 16th, 2010
by gazelle.
7 comments

I believe I mentioned that one of my brave May acts was to join the Toastmaster group that meets where I work. The Ambitious One was already a member, and although she wouldn’t allow me to come to meeting until after she’d given her first speech, she has encouraged me to attend.

But now, it’s official. Yesterday I gave them money. I am an official Toaster.

***flashback***

About ten years ago, I lived in LA. As you know. And I had a friend (just the one) that I hung out with ALL THE TIME. A lot. I’m pretty sure his neighbors thought we were an item, because I was always there. (We weren’t an item.) We had much fun together, but there were a few…quirks…that I liked to mock.

For starters, he was 10 years older than me. (Right? He was in his 30′s! That is SO OLD!) And had these weird ideas. And one of those weird ideas was that he should join Toastmasters so he could improve his public speaking skills. I’m pretty sure I mocked him every time he toasted. (We also referred to is as Toast – no master – because I also hate burned bread.)

So, here we are. Ten years later. And now, I feel like I should improve my public speaking skills. So I will be toasting twice a month.

***end flashback***

So, you may be asking (if, indeed, you are still reading), why are you talking about this.

The reason, gentle readers, is that I’m absolutely, nauseatingly terrified of Toast (the organization, not the bread product – the bread product makes me feel mildly nauseated, but not afraid). Yesterday, as I walked to the meeting, membership application and check in hand, I wanted to turn, run away and hide.

And when the Ambitious One said (jokingly, I hope) that she was going to volunteer me to stand up and talk for one-two minutes, I almost passed out with fear. And then I threatened to vomit on her (also jokingly?).

My fear, it paralyzes me. I am in this club to get over the fear, but am afraid that the fear may prevent that. (It’s like when I was prescribed anti-anxiety meds to help with my flying anxiety, but the thought of taking them & getting one of the 11 million side effects caused a panic attack.) (It is possible I need help.)

So – any tips on how to get over the nerves? This is speaking in front of a small, supportive group. Not angry sharks who are both hungry and hate listening to speeches. I think that taking a valium at noon on a Tuesday might not work out as a solution. (I already went over the pros & cons of that one in my head.)

I want to be a successful toaster. and a person who doesn’t feel like vomiting when asked to speak. I feel that will be handy for my career.

Facing Fears

May 18th, 2010
by gazelle.
7 comments

May is my month of being a big, brave dog (lion?).

I have done two of my three brave people-meeting things that I told you I was going to do. And so far? Not dead. I did NOT do my third brave thing, but I think it may have been divine intervention. (Divine intervention often takes the form of nauseating fear, right?)

The skipped brave thing involved going to a happy hour for people in the profession that I would like to be in (if that makes sense). It is a monthly thing – and their May happy hour was FANCY! With no speakers. Just free drinks! (Sidenote: if free drinks aren’t enough to lure me in – you know that is a LOT of fear.)

I didn’t go. But I later found out that the Mayor was there. So it’s good that I didn’t go, because I tend to try to humiliate myself around the Mayor. Once, I thought he was trying to sell me a bike, so I was pretty rude to him. And once, I was sitting at a table with him at the opening of Widmer’s new bike racks (oh, yeah – that’s an event in this town), gestured emphatically, and spilled my beer. All over the table. He left the table shortly after that.

Who even knows what would’ve happened if there had been terror nerves + free drinks + Sam Adams (the mayor, not the beer). Probably, I would’ve propositioned him or something.

ANYWAYS – to make a long story short (too late!), I didn’t go, but it was probably for the best, because now I haven’t been arrested. Or had a restraining order taken out against me.

Tomorrow, however, I am going to have to be super brave. Extra brave. Exponentially brave. And in order to tell you why tomorrow will require such bravery, I need to tell you about last week. And the fear.

Backstory: I am training for a triathlon. And a 1/2 mile Open Water Swim (which is this Sunday). I have done a triathlon before – last July. And in preparation for triathlons, it is a good idea (or so I’ve heard) to do Open Water Swims (OWS). Pool swimming is great, but you need to learn how to handle swimming in a variety of temperatures, with a variety of visibilities, and how to swim in a straight(ish) line without lane guides (or in my case, pool walls on occasion). I did this last year. And last Wednesday was my first OWS of 2010.

Story story: Wednesday, I met up with the Ambitious One downtown (she’d been riding her bike) and we headed over to Vancouver. I had my new wetsuit and, although nervous (it was cold), I wasn’t terrified. I’ve been putting in a lot of time in the pool this spring – and have already swam more this year that all of last year combined.

We got there, after much joking about maybe skipping it.

I put my wetsuit on (it was actually much more of a struggle than I can convey). We hopped in the water. It was cold. I waded in up to my chest, and then prepared to swim. We were headed towards a large bush.

I put my face in the water. And people – I panicked. The cold water just sucked all the air out of my lungs & I couldn’t breathe! I kept moving forward & trying to put my face in the water, and every time I did, I panicked.

Some fisherpeople yelled at us (I think they didn’t want us getting tangled in their lines or hit with their hooks), so we switch direction a bit – now we are headed to a tree, and then to a floating dock, and then back. Halfway to the tree, I am still doing a weird doggie paddle interspersed with some awkward frog breast stroke, and every time I put my face in the water, I panicked.

Vultures started circling overhead (I am serious, this happened), and I knew they were waiting for me.

I knew that I was wasting so much energy panicking, and I was getting tired (and also fighting back tears). The Ambitious One was awesome – she kept with me, encouraging me, and when it was apparent that I was not going to relax, we (once again) switched direction to the floating dock.

There were three guys sitting on the dock when they got there. I swam up to it to grab it, and when I did, my feet got pulled under the dock (yay for buoyancy?). I just lost it. I started bawling my eyes out. The guys pulled me up on the dock, and then I tried to calm down. I wiped my face off (and at that point noticed that the dock AND my hands were covered with goose shit), then rinsed my hands & tried again.

The guys, the Ambitious One, and another woman (training for an IM) kept up a chatter about how scary OWS can be, and silly stories about how one of them had done an entire swim on his back because he couldn’t put his face in the water.

Eventually, I calmed down enough to give it a go again.

I jumped in the water, panicked a bit when my head went under, and then started “swimming” for shore.  After a few strokes, I told myself that I needed to try one more time to swim – and so I did. I wasn’t calm enough to keep it up, but I did manage a few strokes at a time doing the freestyle, with my face in the water. I developed a mantra – and that mantra was, “I can do it. I am strong. I will probably not drown.” (Encouraging, right?)

Surprisingly, I decided against a second lap of the lake.

***

Tomorrow, I am going back. And I have a plan. A plan that does not involve becoming hysterical in front of four strangers (and one very supportive friend).

That plan is to get in slowly. Practice putting my face in the water a bit. Swim a couple laps close to shore where I know that I can reach the bottom quickly if I have to. And then, and only then, Do the loop.

And I probably won’t drown.

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